Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
