Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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