Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
A+ Viking dick
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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