forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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