You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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