i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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