my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
