I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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