my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
