dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
