Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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