it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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