There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
