he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
