WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize