I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
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Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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