The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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