the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just pee around me
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
