No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
