you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
