i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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