Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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