I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
