new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
