and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
