She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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