The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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