I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
