You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.