The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
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our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
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how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.