its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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