did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize