After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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