Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
