I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it was like eating out sand paper
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
