Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
