um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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