I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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