I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
