Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
