i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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