god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
