totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
