Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
