I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
