A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
