Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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