If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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