Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
