I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
