so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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