some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
