this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
