Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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